When luck is not on our side

I might cry writing this post but thinking how I'm gonna be able to go through this killing me softly. So be it.

It was yesterday, the day I wish I should have not done the decision I made.

We went for visa interview, to extend our visa beyond the expiry date which is March next year. When the officer started to say " In your case, your visa is approved, but in your (Jai's) case...." I knew exactly  what he gonna say.

Jai's visa application is pending for further screening and his previous visa was cancelled cos technically we are applying for a new visa. The officer was then saying it will take at least 1 month for them to do the screening.That means he can't go back with me to the US. That means, I'm gonna have to go back alone with Faliela.

I was devastated. Along the way from the embassy to Setapak, we were speechless. I think my face turned white as soon as I stepped out from the embassy. How could they do this to us? Can't they see I have a 4-month old baby to take care of? Who's gonna take care of Rocky as we promised to be back on the 24th?

I was crying and at the same time, apologizing to Jai as this was actually my decision to extend our visa, although we are not required to do so. I knew he was mad at me but of course, throwing his anger won't change anything, so he chose to be silent.

For now, we have slowly accepting the news. I have to postpone my trip back if there is no news until the 22nd. I can probably wait until early October but if there is no progress on his visa application, I will have to go back first with Faliela. I could not imagine how the 20 hrs flight journey back to the US will be, but I will have to go through it no matter what. Leaving Faliela with Jai is not an option (at least not for me) as she is fully breastfeeding and to give her formula when I know I can still breastfeed her will only break my heart, To add to it, I won't be able to present at a conference this October. And that made me regretting my decision even more.

But to think of it, walaupun rasa ini dugaan terbesar Allah nak bagi pada kami, ramai lagi yang diuji Allah dengan dugaan yang lagi hebat. When I feel like going down, selalu ingat kisah Norma dan Talib and I feel grateful with what I have today although luck is not on our side this time.

Please pray for us. That's all we need for now.