Willkommen in Deutschland

This is an auto-publish entry so by the time the post is published, I am already on my way to......

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GERMANY!

Insya-Allah, I will be presenting my research at the 11th International Feline Retroviral Research in Leipzig, Germany and we will have our little family vacation right after. Money is tight, so that explains the word 'little'. Hehe.

Alright, wish me luck! Hopefully I will have time to post some pictures while I'm there. 

And I hope it is not too late to wish Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf Zahir dan Batin. 

Love,

The End.

Just by writing the title, I feel relieved.

A big task has been lifted off my shoulder. The big frame of my PhD thesis has been completed. My animal experiment officially ends today. To put it as an analogy, I have built a house and the only task that left is to furnish and decorate the house with furnitures and stuff.

No more going to the lab on Saturdays or Sundays. I am sure I need to come sometime on weekends but for sure it will not be every week like I did for the past 6 months. No more coming to the lab in my pyjamas at 5 am to set up experiment. Luckily, I did not encounter any hantu roaming around the hallways. Phew.

Next, I will be immersing my head into pools of data. I have lost count of how many animal experiments I ran for the past 2.5 years, on top of my head it was 10. So, you might see more of my writing or less. It depends whether procrastination can get ahead off me or not. Since I have to present the data in a conference about one month from now, I need to remain focused.

But, before that..

I have promised Faliela a zoo trip to make up for the missed trips to Farmer's Market on Saturday morning. I hope she will have fun tomorrow and I hope Jai will enjoy waking up next to me tomorrow morning. Hahaha. Yang penting, saya nak pergi makan banana nutella crepe kat Pier 39 *sugar rush tetiba*

She is in a 'Terrible 2s' phase now. Pening mommy and daddy.

I have a big announcement to make but that can wait :)


Wishing you all a good weekend!

Once and for all

* This post is never written to make the readers understand. This post is just merely a luahan hati seorang graduate student*

There are several drafts of this kind of post which have been sitting for several years in my draft box. I decided to finish writing it up this time , let it out, once and for all

Here it goes..

This problem has been going on for several years now since I started optimizing my first assay in 2009. I have been shoved with one after another experiment, more than 5 animals at a time. It was still okay back then since I have only one assay to conduct at a time. Still, it took me some time to analyze all the data since the only computer that has the software is in the lab and I barely have enough time left during the day to analyze all the data. Last year, I decided to buy a Macbook ( because of compatibility issue, the software won't work in PC) just so that I can work at night to analyze the data and still spend some quality time together with my family. Thank you to my supervisor Liz who let me spend some grant money to buy the software and thank you to my dad who chipped in some money so that his (pregnant at that time) daughter would not have to spend her night in the lab.

Things started to get crazier after my 2 other assays optimized. Since I have started incorporating 3 assays in each animal study, I have been spending each day in the lab processing sample, staining, reading sample from Tuesday-Saturday (7-8 hours each day). I wish I can start my work on Monday, but the other cat colony where we get our negative control cats could not provide blood on Monday. Even though I do not have any experiments on Monday, I will still come to the lab since I have data to analyze, reagents to order and some housekeeping work that could only be done on Monday. That is my normal schedule. Usually, during the 4 weeks duration of our animal study, there will be cat dying- needed to be put down so some of the time, my Sunday and Monday will be occupied with work too. I did not complain until my co-supervisor N, wanted me to run those assays for longer than 4 weeks. I went home and as usual, complained to Jai and he asked me to write an email to my professor explain to them how overworked I am. I did. Only that, I write the email to Liz, instead of N. Why? From all these years, N never understands what I have been through. He never understands how non-realistic the design of his study. Since he has never been to our lab to check on me, he has no idea how I have been running around doing one work after another. The only person who understand me is Liz. Liz is soft-spoken person, unfortunately. She understands my pain but she still could not tell N how shitty his study design is and how overworked I am right now.

So, I decided to just stand up and speak up on my own when I received another shocking piece of news today. N decided to challenge all 26 cats + 8 cats in a new study next week. To note, the most I could do with these assays is 8. I have already agreed to run those assays on 8 cats but to be shoved with another 26 cats is just plain crazy. The staff over at N's lab told me I could do them in 2 batches-- yeah, my ass. It will take me 5 days every week to run the 8 cats , are you expecting me to sleep in the lab for the next 1-2 months running sample from the rest of the cats. At this point, I do not care whether I will graduate or not, so I wrote a long email to that staff. They can suggest what they want but in the end, I will be the one left with all the works.

I also realized I have to start pushing myself further to get some writing done. So, alhamdulillah, for the past few weeks, I have been constantly working on my data at night and getting it all together. There are still a lot of work to do to get this paper published but I will continue to work on it. This is the only spirit that keep me going.

For info, I only have one big experiment to be conducted in order to graduate. But I still have one assay that need to be optimized to be incorporated in that experiment. So, during this new study, I will do my best to squeeze some time optimizing this assay in between experiments so that I can get hell out of here as soon as possible.

I am determined to be a new person from this point on. No more complaining, resolve and communicate to others with every issues you have. Welcome new me!

And the winner is...

Thank you kerana sambutan hangat anda. Hangat lah sangat kan. ;)

Anyway, here are the answers for the question I posted:

1. Where am I currently residing?
Davis, California

2. What professional qualification do I have?
Doctor of Veterinary Medicine (DVM). Ke korang tak tahu vet nih is a professional job? Sedih tau :( Masters pun kira professional gak kot, only if I have one ;)

3. What is the name, sex and color of my cat?

Rocky, Male, Black tabby and white.

4. In what month will my daughter celebrate her birthday?

May.

So, the winner is Zarith. Yeay! Anyway zarith,  sila claim hadiah anda di link ini : Spanx

Pilih yang mana suka and let me know mana satu pilihan hati.

On another note, I took a sick leave today. Bagi alasan Faliela ada cold and tak boleh hantar daycare. Kalau bagi alasan aku sakit, kang supervisor call dengar suara aku okay je kan, dahla aku tak reti tipu. Check email tengahari ada sample and tak boleh delay the euthanasia until tomorrow sebab the cat is crashing really bad. My guy supervisor bagi email panjang berjela bila aku cakap aku tak leh datang-- dissappointed lah kalo tak leh process sample nih, rare sample lah bla bla bla. I have no choice but to process the sample and at the same time hoping this sample will give me at least an interesting result.

So, right now, I just have to face the fact that I won't get any days off from work unless I am 1000 miles away. Hubby, you can make fun of me now ;p Oh, well, it is March-- that means I have about 12 months to finish and end this miserable life of a grad student. Lets make the countdown, yeehaa!

Breaking point

After five weeks of laborious work, I thought I could get off from work early today to catch a movie.

But a phone call from my supervisor changed it all.

No doubt my lady supervisor is the nicest supervisor I've ever met. But she has to stop being nice to people at some point. Anak kawan dia nak volunteer kat lab, dia cakap okay. Last-last siapa jugak yang kena ajar, aku jugak. Kawan dia suruh tolong process sample from her cat mati suspected FeLV, sape jugak kena process, aku jugak. Our lab is not even doing research on that goddamn disease.

I hate being a graduate student. I hate processing sample that is not even related to my project. I hate to do work that is not going to get me graduate. This kind of work that adds unnecessary burden usually demotivates me the most and made me break down at some point.

Just a few days ago after the end of my animal experiment, I had a brief conversation with Jai :
 

Me: I am going to take a day off next week.

Jai:  Yeah, yeah.  You always said that, but you never have the gut to tell your supervisor.

Next week, I am gonna vanish into thin air  *poof*. This time for real.

Glücklich

It seems that my 2012 is off to a good start.

I am (extremely) euphoric due to several reasons:

1. The experimental assays that I have been trying to optimize for over a year is up and running. My theory is right. I don't have the right test subjects and all along, I thought I don't have the right antigen but it was not the case. In a layman term, I resolved the main obstacle of my Ph.D thesis.

2. We have a functional family again. Faliela has her mommy and daddy all the time on weekends. Jai had been wanting to do an occasional double job, but I told him, money can never buy happiness.

3.  I weigh the same weight when I was 14 years old. Although this is not actually a recent news to share but as a continuation of my breastfeeding(BF) post, I could not stressed enough the advantages of BF and how BF has positively toned my body back into pre-pregnancy weight.

My weight never goes below 51 kg for more than a decade

4. My first co-authored paper has been accepted to the Journal of Virus Research. I may say, from all the authors, I probably give the least contribution but I am glad my work in 2009 is being recognized. Now, it is time to get back to writing my first first-author paper. I realized getting a manuscript to be published is not easy. It took 4 months for this paper to get accepted. When there is a will, there is a way. Insya-allah

5. Faliela's sleeping schedule has been crazy these last few weeks. I was really hoping it was due to teething and few days ago, her middle upper incisor teeth bud out. Thank god! It was funny that we were keep on checking her lower gum cos it is usually goes in that order, but not in her case apparently. I am happy the cause of her sleeping problem has been identified, not much on her teething cos nursing her is more painful now than ever.

6.  I am happy for my 'teman seperjuangan' on receiving a great news. I understand how does it feel to wait this long and to sacrifice time we do not have. This is not my news to share with all of you so I will leave it as vaguely as it could be .

7. Last but not least, I am happy to see this girl's smile. Everyday.

Why monkeys scratched their head?

As I thought I would get a few weeks of break from experiment (takut nak tulis buat eksperimen dengan haiwan, nanti pejuang hak haiwan sabotaj plak) to get started with writing, an email came in today from my other supervisor and they are starting another experiment next week. And another set the following month. Which means, I will be stuck with experiments until mid-March. Which means, what's left of my energy the end of the day is not enough for me to get going the next day. Literally.

Adding to that, I am in the middle of writing a grant application to be submitted in 2 weeks, an award application is also due the same time. Alamak, abstract pun kena submit time sama jugak!

This is the best representation of MOI and her need to start multitasking

*picture credit: dreamstime.com

I am so looking forward to our spring break vacation.Whining has to stop now. Til then.

A mountain of work

It has been almost a year after I passed my qualifying exam... I can still remember how dreadful the journey was and looking back, I'm just glad I'm done with it. Now, I'm battling to finish up the other half of the journey.

I had a meeting with my SV today and I brought up questions about my funding after the government scholarship expires which is related to my intention of going back this month, to renew my visa. And that leads to the question, when is the anticipated date of me finishing my PhD? *Soalan cepu emas*

"You can finish in 1 year but it's tough. I will say 1.5 year."

"Do you think I can finish in 1.5 year, Liz? "

"Yes, I do "

I think because the average years to graduate in my graduate group is 5-6 years, I don't put that much hope to be able to finish in less than 5 years. However, hearing my own professor saying I will be able to finish on time, if not an extension of another 6 months give me a sense of relief. Like lega macam lepas buang air :P If not because of this freaking virus that I've tried to purified since last year, I might be able to finish by early next year. But science is science, there's always pitfalls in every experiments, so I just have to figure out the alternatives.

With regards to my research, I received an email invitation to present my research at HMI conference this year. After so much deliberation, Liz decided that I should accept the invitation eventhough I don't have that much data to present. It is a small conference and the oral presentation will be for only 10-15 minutes but I think it will provide me a good start being a student researcher.

In addition of that, I have to write a grant proposal and submit it for funding application as part of the GSSP award I received. I have decided to venture into another field of research ie: cancer immunology and that requires me to do a lot of readings as this is definitely a new field to me.

Ok, pening kepala jap tengok kerja bersusun macam gunung.


Lets just hope in 2013 I will be reading this post again, wearing my graduation robe and all smiling.

Alhamdulillah ;)

I have been anxiously waiting for the result of this award I applied two months ago. I was not too hopeful as my boss has warned me, this award is competitive. And this email came in just a few hours ago:

Alhamdulillah ;)

I'm back! and..................

I passed ! Alhamdullilah:)


The last few weeks was torturing for me. With the amount of stress I had to handle and with me being unwell these past few days, I couldn't believe I made it :)

And of course, with a great support system surrounding me, ie: husband, friends in Davis and Malaysia, family, I made it through.

There were not so much drama during my QE. So, basically the first 1.5 hr is the part where I have to present my proposal. No powerpoint slides etc, just me and the white board.  There were a lot of questions but most of them were related to my research. And the next 1.5 hr, I was tested on basic knowledge which was also based on my research. They actually talked/arguing a lot with each other, so I let them discussed among each other to let the time pass. Good strategy huh :)

Oh, one of the professors ran late cos her daughter had a medical emergency, so I started off with only four of them. She came in after I finished presenting my proposal which was an advantage for me cos she is the only one that has more knowledge on what I'm doing. But she asked a lot of questions later though.


The exam started at 9.10am and finished at about 11.50am. They asked me to leave the room for few minutes and about 2 mins later, they called me and upon entering the room, they started clapping. I started to wonder " Did I pass? " They didn't say it out loud but then, each one of them congratulates me so at that point of time, I realised I have passed! Yeay! Then, after the chair of the exam signed a sheet of form indicating I have passed the exam, things started to become real. Kalau tidak, rasa macam terawang-awang je.Oh, the other outcomes you could get is fail or no pass. No one has failed the past 6 years in my group, but I don't want no pass either cos that means I have to repeat the exam. Uweeekk!

Anyway, when I stepped out of the room, my supervisor has already waiting for me outside of the room and the chair broke the news to her and she immediately gave me a hug! Awww! Then later, both my supervisors treated me for lunch at this fancy restaurant in Davis, Seasons. My other not-so-friendly professor hugged me too when I saw him at the restaurant. Terharu sungguh :) So, QE is really a big deal kan cos today only, I kept receiving hugs from people. Hahaha. Dah habis periksa baru rasa cam QE tuh cam penting.

So, life resume back to normal after this with one exception, I don't have to attend any class at all! I can focus 100% on research and hopefully 2-2.5 years from now, I will be graduating with a Ph.D.

As a memory, I would like to share the pictures of my study group. Just a remembrance of how hard we work to achieve to this point.

        My studymate, Julia passed the exam last 2 weeks                                          

My other studymate, Alanna, passed the exam on Sept. 3rd. Missing in the picture, Lauren passed the exam in August.

Stay tuned! More news to come :) And last but not least, thank you all for your support, readers. Hugs from me :)

5 weeks

I do not like counting the days but I have to face the reality. I have about 5 weeks til THE EXAM.

I still have a chapter of textbook to read. One big pile of journals to read. A proposal to finalize.

Met all the professors involved in my exam. I nicknamed them by the way.

1. The chair wanted to know what kind of questions I expect her to be asking.
2. The corona borrowed me a book all about the virus.
3. The pale wanted me to compare cats, human and mice immunology. Urgh!
4. The veteran that I have been meeting with for the past few weeks is on vacation.
5. The wild card expected me to know a lot of things related to viruses including viral diseases in Malaysia knowing that I am a vet.

On the other hand, this month is a really important month. Not just because of my birthday. Something else is on my mind. Right now, it doesn't look good at all. But I'll keep praying.

Pushing myself

It is past midnight and I still have 7 pages of reading to go. How many pages of the textbook I read today?

**60 bloody long pages**

Most often, I could not finished reading more than 10 pages a day. This is all because of one professor which is also my exam committee member that has been seeing me for the past 3 weeks. No professor will do this to anyone, I mean, helping the student to prepare for the exam. Except this one.

I'm grateful to have her in my committee. But me being me, I waited til the last minute to prepare myself before meeting her tomorrow. I should put more effort next time.

Now, go and finish your reading.

And the journey begins...

Summer break has officially started this week. With that, it officially marks the end of my Ph.D courseworks.

I supposed to be euphoric but the truth is I am nervous thinking about my qualifying exam. Anyway, I started studying last week but I only managed to read 10 pages of the textbook before I calling it quit. It was hard to study when you have labworks piling up and by the time I got home, I have no mood to study at all.

Anyway, I had a meeting with my supervisor today and she suggested that I should spend only half a day at lab so that I could concentrate on revising for my QE, which is great cos I don't think taking a whole month of August to study is enough considering it is a fasting month.

On another hand, I received the last grade of my coursework with an additional comment from the professor to the whole class.

EVALUATIONS  Thanks so much for taking the time to provide me valuable feedback on the course and the papers.  If you are curious about what your classmates had to say about aspects of the course, or opinions on the papers we read, I have attached the compiled evaluations that Jessica prepared (thanks Jessica!).Your favorite paper?  The “neutrophil nets” (but there were some close contenders).  Your least favorite paper?  Can you guess? Less excitement was voiced for the review articles, but no surprise there.  You’ll have to peek to see the top choice and the trash vote.

As for the course, opinions on some items were mixed, whereas many were consistent.  For example, the majority of the class didn’t seem to like the way Farina shuffled the deck, and many asked for better chocolate .  Other items like preference for late afternoon were more mixed.

First, the highlighted sentence was a joke, the professor was making fun of me. Second, I thought the professor has stopped teasing me, but he actually didn't. 

This was a class where we supposed to discuss different paper each week and each person has their name on the 'daun terup' so that if your name is picked, you have to present a figure in that assigned paper to the whole class. We think the professor arranged the card before class but he always asked one student to cut the deck into two. I didn't hear what he said and he offered to me to cut the deck, instead I shuffled the deck and probably messed up his 'already' arranged car. He was laughing out loud when he saw me shuffling the deck cos he thought I didn't trust him. Anyway, my name card appeared twice and he said jokingly, I should not be given the deck to shuffle in the future cos I have unlucky hands. And from that point of time, everytime he asked for anyone to shuffle the deck, he will teased me saying "No, I don't think Farina wants to shuffle the deck anymore". Hahahaha. Ok. It was a fun class and I learned a lot so I don't mind you teasing me and you gave me an A+,  so what the heck, bring it on, I have a heart made from steel :)

One more week to go!

Another week to go before I'm done with classes! I'm done DONE! No more classes after this, provided I pass my QE in September.

I haven't start studying yet (sigh), but I have, at least, made an effort to

• deactivate my facebook

• organizing notes and books

As soon as the quarter is over, I'll start studying at least one subtopic a day. I'm not the kind yang study awal2, cos most of the time I would not remember what I read the week before. I supposed it will give me peace of mind once I start studying cos when I talked to the seniors, all of them studied at least 2 months before the exam.  And I'm taking August off to study, so I'm crossing my fingers that I will pass my QE. Amin!

Anyway, this week has been too overwhelming for me. I have 2 concurrent animal experiments running and there are another 4-5 weeks to go, hopefully kucing2 tuh sakit cepat sikit, cepat sikit habis experiment. Tak baik tau, cakap cat lover! Oh, I tak pernah tengok kucing2 tuh, sebab tuh takde perasaan.

Speaking of which, I need a break, like pronto! We already made plans for our summer trip but we are withholding it until July so that I can finish up my lab work. This weekend is a 3-day weekend, but we have no plan. At first, we wanted to join Midwest Games but Jai sakit bahu dah 2 bulan tak baik, so takde maknanye pergi sana tak main ape2 nox.Nak main volleyball pakai tangan, main badminton pakai tangan, main bowling pun pakai tangan. Yang pakai mulut takde :(  Thinking of going somewhere for a weekend getaway, but Jai pulak busy. Help! I need to escape from Davis.. urghhh!

Oh, aku dah belajar buat karipap dari Kak Shaida.

Macam belajar kat Sekolah Kemas pulak rasanya. :P

Ni lah karipap pusing I. Cantik tak, cantik tak? Balik Mesia dah boleh bukak kedai jual kuih dah kan aku nih. Saje je buat bulat, lepas nih aku nak buat segi empat pulak :)

Ok. Entry nih memang takde makna. Aku tgh sakit jiwa, banyak kerja.

My brain goes *kapoof*

I think the signs of permanent head damage (Ph.D) has started to show up on me..

It started on Monday where Davis had raining cats and dogs throughout the day. My brain was so sensitive with 'air hujan' US, if terkena banyak sikit then I'll have a headache afterwards. It was a really bad headache and I couldn't do any work and decided to sleep. When I finally dozed off, I felt like someone's hand crawling inside my shirt then I buat tak tau jer cos I though I knew whose hand yang merayap. Ok, fine.. The next day, I teased him of doing that while I was sleeping, pastuh die tak ngaku! Siap sumpah2 lagi.. Kalau die sumpah, memang die tak tipu lah tuh.Serious s**t, who the hell was that! Terus cam takut giler babs..

Then, on Wednesday, I was working late in lab. I need to make some chemical reagents for my experiment but after I spilled a tube of reagents on the bench, I decided to go back cos I was extremely exhausted and my mind couldn't focused at all. The next day, when the lab technician that was helping me pointed out to the tube that supposed to be only 1/3 full because I spilled it yesterday,turned up to be filling  the whole tube, I was starting to feel like my mind went haywire.

I had a presentation on Thursday, thought I could rehearsed and revised the slides but I spilled some VIRUS in the centrifuge. GREAT!  I had to stay back after presentation to clean-up pulak and present pun terhape-hape.

Today, luckily nothing bad happened and I hope the bad karma goes away.. I almost forgot to turn in a form that was due today, thank god I didn't! What borang?

                    My first step towards the big exam. Takut!

Planning to take it in September when most of the professors are back on campus. Five people interrogating you in one room, scary dowh :(


Anyway, bad karma .... ssssshhhhhh, go away. I don't need you here.

Tired ;(

Push... Push.... Push........... (buat bunyi macam orang nak beranak)

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Please push me forward! I could no longer walk this quarter *sigh*

Imagine Rocky pushing me 'the watermelon' out of the ocean

             

A rewarding gift :)

I just got back my manuscript/midterm yesterday!

Poyo je kan letak dalam blog. Padehal semua orang dalam kelas cikgu bagi A, kuang kuang kuang :P Tapi tak kira, nak letak gak sebab dapat A+. Plus, it was an incentive for my husband cos he had to feed Rocky when I was so busy writing my manuscript. I was so glued to the chair cos the 'ilham'I tell you datang mencurah-curah. Kencing pun tahan. Anyway, bile cikgu bagi A, tetibe rasa nak gi submit kat journal to get publish. Ya Allah, nih lagi poyo. Data baru 3 graph excited macam orang nak beranak. Oklah, I'm making a note to myself.. to publish at least one paper this year okeh! Dah Farina, sila berhenti berangan. Pergi tulis grant proposal cepat!!

Please..please.. 3 more weeks to go!

As it reaching the7th week of the quarter, my body has been automatically switched off to do study-related activities. As if next week were the semester break but too bad it's not. This is how my body (and mind) reacted to the quarter system.

Anyway, the bad news is I have two big tasks coming up next week which are poster presentation and QE proposal presentation. I just need to drag this 'dead' body along :( Huh!

This picture was on top of the list when I googled 'lazy'! Huhu..Poor cat!

(source: http://www.laughinglarry.com/images)

*Switch to writing mood*

Mood menulis 'manuscript' yang due 4hb (sila refer kepada deadline kaler MERAH di sebelah kiri) baru datang jap tadi.

Oleh kerana saya suka nak buat deadline sendiri, saya kena siapkan menatang nih hari Ahad. Sekarang baru terkedek2 kat page 1, like WTH! Hahahaha. Update blog sempat lagi kan?

Dan air mata itu berguguran lagi!

Ye, air mata ini berlinangan lagi selepas makan lunch pada pukul 6.30 petang ;( (Dalam hati, baik aku puasa sunat je, dapat pahala)

I'm so damn tired working on assignments and presentations. Not to forget, the labworks are now piling-up!

Tapi saya telah mencari jalan keluar dengan meluahkan hati perut dan segala perasaan kepada seorang teman. Terima kasih Kumi! (Dan dia pun berjanji mahu menolong saya dengan statistik =) Owh, I hate statistics!

Saya berazam untuk menyiapkan midterm paper saya yang due pada 4 Februari, 5 hari lebih awal! Supaya saya dapat menikmati hari-hari seterusnya dengan lebih tenang. Insya-allah!